A Saturday night in my thoughts.

Attachment-1 (43)Bit of a rant, bit of a cant, bit of a wish, and bit of a bi-

Please, push aside the curtain and welcome to my thoughts as they happened one Saturday:

Wrap your heart in metal foil

strike the shine with sparks of iron

move the hand with motes of blood

hold together with bones of thread

I really love the organization of verb article/pronoun noun preposition adjective noun.  I like how it flows together.  It feels the way the wind feels when you just need to let it take your worries away.  And that’s rather nice.  Rather peaceful.

Way more than my better half I struggle at times as I swing between despair and unabashed confidence.  The highs are worth it.  The lows can be triumphed.

Indecision.

I want to chose a character, a setting, a story and stick with it.  To make it my own.  I sit and write and fret and rejoice over someone and about two thousand to three thousand words in I’m like “bored”.

I have one I really liked in a swamp.  I should dig it up.

What character for pathfinder? oooo I could.  Wait no.  I’m supposed to be writing.

Or doing math homework.  For a class that I’m not actually taking.  But one that I’m auditing.  Because I don’t want to lose the math.  But the math is so hard.  oh wait it isn’t.  It’s just I don’t want to focus.

Why are all webcomics weekly.  Weekends are like the worst.  GRRRR.

I want to figure art out.  I should draw.  Pencils in the car and no paper.  Bah.  No drawing for me.  Besides as therapeutic as drawing is I’m pretty sure by now that it attracts a stupid amount of attention and that’s counter to its purpose.

Why do so many people want to go to dinner and talk and hang out?  It is frustratingly time wasting.

I want to go to dinner and hang out now.  Great.

I’ll go back to writing.  Or maybe I’ll check football really fast.  Stupid off season.  Basketball then.  It will makeup for the time.  No soccer to cheer for anyways.  Oh blargh.  We lost to Old Miss.  Yay we beat Miz.  Boo Miz is the worst team ever.  Well bummer.  At least recruiting seems to be going well.

No new news since I checked five minutes ago.  No change in clash of clans.  Entertainment is failing me.

I’ll research political systems for my stories.  Ick that’s a lot.  Nevermind.

I love the word nevermind.  Love it.  Love the wispy fey nature of it.

I complained about complaining today.  I think that’s a mistake.  I complained about talking too much the other day and someone tried to comfort me.  I don’t think I sound that sad.  Do I?  I hope not.

Yesterday’s post was really really sad.  I hope people don’t think I’m sad all the time.  I don’t feel sad all the time.

I do feel tired a lot though.  I should run more.

Running makes me less sad and less tired.  Although the thought of running makes me sad and the act makes me tired.

I really love love our art.

Not as much as I love my kids.  They are the greatness of the greatness.

My daughter is brilliant and awesome.

My son is caring and awesome.

My baby is adventurous and awesome.

Sometimes too much so.  I worry he’s gonna hurt himself with his adventures.  Always got to watch him.

Given time to prepare I’m amazing at being me.  I do very very well with practice.  I’m not too great at adlibbing unless I’ve been practicing ablibbing.  But everything and that means everything in my life is short term memory and if I don’t practice it constantly it just flows away like so much water.

It’s really hard to hold it all together.  I feel like I forget every skill that I haven’t practiced that day.  This is why math worries me.  I know I’m good at puzzles and engineering because I’ve proved it before but everyone else seems to remember it so much better than me.  It’s like “I’ve slept since then” is my motto.

That makes me sad.  Until I remember that I pick it up a lot faster than them….usually?

I abhor the sound of pride in my discussions.  I’m really quite good at being humble.  I’m almost too humble.  It really is my only fault. haha.

Favorite non funny joke.  Second favorite one is H3enry.  😛

I’m rambling.

You know.  I’ve never been drunk?  I can imagine what it’s like and it sounds delicious but I’ve always been too afraid that if I start drinking I won’t stop.  Or that I’ll be breaking the rules.  Or something…. Well not entirely true.  I once ate food that made me super sleepy tired and I’m pretty sure that’s because the wine it was made with wasn’t cooked enough.  I don’t know though.

I swap back and forth on whether that counts.

For tonight it doesn’t though.

I’ve been accused of being high.  Even though I hadn’t touched anything.  I get giggly when I’m tired or over stimulated.  And I talk to fill up the silence.

When you are around people there are all these silences where they are discussing things in their head I guess and it makes me uncomfortable so I say things to fill up the silence but I’m not good at extemporizing and so I sound a bit daft and whiny but I’m really not upset I just want to fill the silence so I won’t feel uncomfortable.  And everyone seems to think that it bothers me, the thing I’m complaining about, but what bothers me is the idea that they are thinking about me.

That whole train of thought is bothersome.

I wish I had bunnies but not enough to get bunnies because first they cost money and second I’d probably have to do work and after the first week or two that would get really old and bothersome.

I saw Rocky give his speech to his son today.  It really made me happy.  I like the character of old man Stalone.  A lot more than I like young man Stalone.  I’m not sure if I like Stalone but I like his character.

I don’t like Rick Castle but I do like firefly captain at least I used to and I don’t go back and watch because I’m deeply afraid I won’t like it anymore now.  That I’ve grown out of the taste some how.

I grew out of Lord of the Rings.   Not like it’s childish… I don’t really think that at all.  It’s more like how when you are little and you hate broccoli and love milk chocolate and then you are thirty and you don’t like milk chocolate anymore but you like broccoli and green chili.

Tastes change.  And I’ve lost a lot of ones I used to love.  I can’t read Dune anymore.  That thought deeply saddens me.  I’ve tried several times.  I get bored.  BORED.  of Dune.  HOW CAN I BE BORED OF DUNE?

I don’t agree with Starship Troopers(the book) anymore either.  I used to feel it very close to gospel and now I’m irritated by the politics.  Growing up sucks if this is growing up.

Except broccoli.  That bit is nice.  So is my wife and owning a house.  Those bits are great.

I appreciate the wind.  I always have.  That mental change was a bit fast even for me but I was thinking about things I appreciate and boom I love the wind.  I love feeling it pull and tug at me and I swear I can feel it hug me and pat me on the head and tell me everything is okay now…everything is fine….the wind is blowing so everything is going to be okay.

It’s like the moon.  The moon says that too.  It says hey, I’m here man and everything is okay.

Which is good because a lot I don’t feel like everything is okay.

I’ve given up on grammar.  I think there is a very good point to it but I’m more of a linguist than an english teacher and I feel that as long as you understand then I should write and speak the way that I speak because of Humpty Dumpty.

Except at work. Then I speak in the third person about vague people and always in the passive because that’s what they want.  Except at my other job because they want action verbs and abhor the passive and demand I say exactly who is doing what.  None of this “mistakes happened” business.

Scientists love “mistakes happend”.  “It can be shown.”  “It was discovered.”  Blargh

“I made the mistake.”

“I discovered it”

“I could show you but it’s a lot of work and boring and you don’t need to see it.”

And I can feel the tired now and feel restful again now that the words are out.  Please forgive my ranting prose.  Prose….where you pee words and call it roses.  hahahaha.

Good night for real now.  I clearly need my sleep.

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