Hey you! Get over here.
The noisy ones have gone below now. Even that fascinating Inevitable that follows her MostLoudness’s pet gnome around. The deck is empty and I can rest, so if you want that interview you need to get over here and get started before she comes back up and ruins everything. Holy gravel and grit. Since she swept into my life and started dragging my chalk stained soul around I barely get any rest at all.
That’s the best thing about that sad sack of a gnome. He’s all quiet and reserved and barely able to get a word in and it fascinates her. More power to him. Gives me a chance for shut eye.
At least until she drags me off to the far ends of the world to go pickup that artifact. Why in the ice infested hells, a drifting ball of chaos like herself wants an artifact designed to imprison a shard of the true primordial chaos I don’t think I want to know. I’m really hoping that someone as law-bound as that Inevitable will find a creative way to intercept it before her MostLoudness ruins naptime forever.
Beautiful naptime. Naptime is like that moment, when you are completely at rest. The magma of your heart slowly drifting down into a calcified, grinding, stop. No nasty wind. No itchy fire. No stupid water. Just peaceful calm you on peaceful calm deck and no stupidly loud little girls yelling and screaming and biting you while riding you over the side into a pirate ship and through at least seventeen windows.
Oh dude don’t ask. I go to this zen-rock-garden counsellor every week. He’s writing a bunch of stone tablets about me. Says I’m a fascinating case study on sanity deprivation and the collapse of all moral and mental society due to chaos infused souls. Wants me to come next week and give a talk to a bunch of statue friends of his. They think my situation is fascinating too. Everyone is always so damn fascinated. Nobody just ups and kills her and sets me free…. Noooo…. Would be too easy wouldn’t it.
I apologize. That was mean of me. I don’t want her to die. I just want someone to cement her in a statue for a few centuries until this wears off.
Rocks aren’t supposed to move okay. I had made solid plans to sleep under that garden for two, maybe three decades and then boom out of nowhere comes this crazy and she’s throwing spells at me and dragging me off on adventures. She doesn’t even sleep. Like ever. Drinks mud like it’s going out of style and then zip! Boom! Shakes! And clashing symbols I’m being smashed against some door like she’s never heard of using a freaking handle.
Yeah a door.
Yeah, it was unlocked and everything.
No there weren’t any bad guys. It wasn’t even an emergency. She just wanted another cup of some drink and didn’t want to wait the time it would have taken to turn a knob. Menace to freaking society. Shop owner didn’t want to sell to her, was all mad. She didn’t know that Her MostLoudness is the maddest of them all. Makes the primordial ooze look settled.
Always third person.
Yells at you if you think wrong at her.
I have no idea. I don’t think she ever bathes. When it rains she rolls in the mud a bunch just in case it washed off anything by accident.
Oh you’re laughing…. Ah, you thought that was a jape. No, the only joke here is my life and my stubborn clinging to it.
Yes, yes sorry for the gallows humor. Next question?
Where did she come from? Where did she come from…. No one knows. I will not be surprised one of these days to find a dark and deadly book declaring the end of days and plagues and blood and disorder and never sleeping and silence banished. And on that dreadful book will be her overly smiling face and it will be one of those damned enchanted books that sings music or something when you open it. And she’ll beat me in the eyes with it and smush it next to my ears and open and close and open and close it all week long. She’s something terrible. You don’t even know. I know. Oh I know.
Heh. Best bet you have is to run. Run now and don’t ever look back. Go somewhere boring. Some place without secrets or monsters or intrigue or anything. Some dumb lucky broken sod of a farmer who will never see battle. Go marry him or whatever you humans do. And pray you’re dead and buried before she figures out some way to wander into your life and ruin it.
Aww crap she heard me thinking sour thoughts. She’s on her way back up now. You’d best make yourself scarce or –
NOOOO NOT THE STAIRS SHE’LL EXPECT THE….
Aww no Kelpy don’t throw it overboard. It didn’t mean no harm. It just wanted to talk to me.
Well I don’t suppose it landed in water or someplace soft. . .(sigh). . .another wasted cry for help.
Hey now, you get that look out of your eye, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!
HELP! HELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE!
NO NO NOT THE SOAP!!! GET THAT BOW OFF MY TAIL!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.